Viva La Jackie!
by Nicci and Shelley
Summary: What happens when the MetalGear crew has to dig through the dump? Old people and old people's body parts are discovered (with sexy results! ... ) Read and... enjoy. Written in script format. Chapter 2 up (Formatting problem fixed! :D )
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We do not own Metal Gear Solid 1 & 2 or the characters because if we did we wouldn't be using the characters to make this... thing. -o- We don't own ClawShrimp either. ;_; We also don't own Steve Maddens, Jack Prucells, or Vans. Or Barbie and friends. ...that's it. :D 

Author's notes: HoOrAy!! :D Our first joint effort, our being me and her. Nicci and Shelley. : Keep in mind, this was written at 3:00 am while trying to suppress our giggles and not wake up Shelley's dad. -_-;; Don't hate us because we're creative. :X Oh, and we're not making fun of gay people--promise--just making fun of Jack. :D ...gay pride? oO;; Ah, and remember, the little ol' saying that a guy's wang is half the size of his foot/shoe size. :D

Enjoy! ...or not. -_- By the way, it's in script format so you can read it with your friends! If you're insane you can read it by yourself and do voices!! :D If you do that, you can be our special friend...

Oh, the things you'll find in a dump.

Viva La Jackie

Our heroes are in the garbage dump looking for Jack's tennis shoes, which were thrown out by Snake... "accidentally".

Otacon: I can't find them! Any luck with your pile, Snake?

Snake: No, and I hope there won't be.

Jack: You wouldn't be wading through garbage if you didn't throw them out.

Snake: I wouldn't have thrown them out if they weren't women's shoes!

Jack: But they had the same name as me!

Otacon: They shared the same "soul", Snake! Have a heart.

Snake: I need a cigarette...

Jack: (_nagging_)Those things'll be the end of you.

Otacon: See, I told you. (_Pulls a rotting lung out of his pile_) Do you wanna end up like **this**?

Jack: (_Gasp!!_)

Snake: ...I'll only be a lung?

Otacon: Actually at the rate you're smoking at--

Jack: (_Uncovers Liquid's body and thinks it's Solid's--him being the idiot he is_) **Oh, sweet Jesus!! **I found Snake's body! What did you with Snake, Liquid! You monster!

Snake: What the hell are you babbling about now?

Otacon: Actually, you found Liquid. Good job, Jack!

Jack: Can we use it as a pinata? I like pinata...

Otacon: Actually, it's pinata**s**.

Snake: (_Desperate to change the conversation. He doesn't like pinatas... bad childhood experience_) So how's life, Otacon?

Otacon: Actually--

Jack: Well I haven't been with anyone lately, so I've been having to rely on myself for--

Snake: **My finger!! **Something bit me!! It's way down deep in the pile... holy shit, it's as big as a man!!

Jack: (_gasp!!_) **Mom!?**

Otacon: Actually, I'd say that's a ClawShrimp.

(_Jack does a handless cartwheel at ClawShrimp, only succeeding in getting his leg bitten off_)

ClawShrimp: (_Chomp!_) Mmm, Jack. Tastes like chicken. (_Skitters back into Snake's pile_)

Jack: My** arm!!** Oh my god!!

Otacon: Actually, Jack, he took off your leg, not your arm.

Snake: Heeheehee... Tee-hee... Hee-tee.

Jack: Oh... Hey, what's with all the actuallies?

Snake: Actually, it's a cult. Join us!!

Otacon: (_Lifts a pair of shoes from his pile_) Hey, I found them!

Jack: Nonono, those are Steve Maddens. Do I look like a Steve to you?

Otacon: Then you must be Steve. (_Points to Snake_)

Snake: No, I'm Dave.

Otacon: Then I must be Steve!

Snake: No, you're Hal.

Otacon: Then he must be Steve! (_Points to Liquid_)

Snake: ...okay. I'll accept that.

Liquid: Oh, puh-leese. I'm too beautiful for Steve. The name's... Tadius. (_Leaves_)

Jack: Can we please keep looking now?

Snake: No.

(_They all continue to sift through their piles when the peace is shattered when Solidus is uncovered in Snake's pile_)

Snake: Solidus!? I'll kill you, there can only be one Snake! ...and that's me. Not... Tadius. (_He pulls a Socom from his pile. Don't you want one of those piles for yourself?_)

Jack: Noooo! Don't kill my daddy!! (_He cries dramatically. ... whiney old Jack..._)

Solidus: Jackie, my boy!! Come and give your old man a hug!

Jack: Let's take advantage of this freak situation and do something normal do!

(_The two join hands and roll down a garbage hill together. Aww... At the bottom of the hill:_)

Jack: Hey... if my dad is Snake's brother, that makes Snake my uncle!! Uncie Snake!! (_Lunges in for a hug_)

Snake: Oh god, he's found the family link! 

Solidus: I don't like how this... Snake has become your main fatherly figure.

Snake: Nonononono! It's not like that **at all**! Even if he thinks it is.

Solidus: I want to have a larger more **active **role in your life, Jackie. (_Wink wink_)

Jack: I've never been with an older man bef--

Otacon: Aren't you dead, Solidus?

Solidus: Oh, yeah. Forgot about that. (_Dies_)

Snake: That's nasty. He's your dad.

Jack: And you're my uncle... (_Wink_)

Otacon: ...eww...

Jack: Hey! You had sex with your mom.

Otacon: At least she was female.

Jack: A female!? That's disgusting, Otacon...

Snake: (_Edges away. Not so slowly. He picks up a pair of shoes from his pile_) Are these your shoes?

Jack: Noo, those are Vans. Do I look like a Van to you?

Snake: (_Holds up a piece of fruit_) Are these your shoes?

Jack: No, do I look like a fruit to y-- Hey... that's mean. Like that time you set me on fire. That was also mean...

Snake: No, that was funny!

Jack: Hey, I found them!! ...on somebody else!? (_He points to a pair of feet sticking out of his pile_)

Snake: GrayFox!?

GrayFox: ...where am I? ...what are these... things doing on my feet? (_Disgusted_. _He flings them off and tunnels back into the pile)_

Jack: These are too big...

Snake: What size do you wear?

Jack: ...five... in women's...

Snake: You're not a man.

Jack: That's why I stuff my shoes...

Otacon: Hey, Jack, isn't that your girlfriend over there? (_Sure enough, there's Rose... grumblegrumble_)

Rose: What's up, Jack?

Jack: What're you doing here?

Rose: After I walked in on you and the mailman I went into a deep depression was going to kill myself in this dump when I met the greatest man... I think I may have found my soul mate! Have you met ClawShrimp, Jack?

Jack: ...yes. Up close and personal.

Rose: Jack... You didn't!!

Snake: But he wanted to.

Jack: You read my mind, you mind reader, you. Hey, what's up with everyone going to the opposite gender now a days?

Rose: I should tell you something... you're not the father of the baby... it was ClawSh--

Jack: I was wondering when the stork was gonna get here...

Snake: You're joking, are you?

Jack: What's there to joke about?

Otacon: (_Sighs and pulls out a Barbie and Ken doll from his pile_) Jack... let me tell you where babies come from...

Snake: I'll go back to digging now! (_He sees a flaming red bush that could be called hair sticking out of his pile_) Hey, what's that flaming red bush that could be called hair? ...Meryl! ...are you dead or alive?

Meryl: ...I don't know. Damn you, Hideo!

Jack: Such blasphemous words!

Otacon: Hey! Pay attention!

Snake: You can be alive. So don't pull a Solidus. Or a GrayFox. Or a ClawShrimp. Or a Rose. Or a Liquid.

Meryl: You mean Tadius?

Snake: ...whatever.

Otacon: And that... is where babies come from.

Jack: ...that's crazy talk! I don't believe you!

Snake: Need proof? 

Meryl: In the dump?

Snake: Why not?

Otacon: Do you know how unsanitary that is!?

Snake: Do I care how unsanitary that is!?

Jack: Uncie Snake, that's yucky.

Meryl: Uncie...? Tadius had kids?

Snake: No, Solidus did.

Jack: Papa Solidus!! (_Again he cries dramatically_) He's dead now... He wanted to be more than a Papa... 

Meryl: ...eww...

Jack: Not you, too!!

Otacon: Did you just forget everything I told you?

Jack: I'll never forget that... (_shudders_)

Snake: Okay, are these your shoes? (_He holds up a pair of Jack Prucells_)

Jack: My Jack Prucells!!

Otacon: Now we can ride off into the sunset!

Jack: On a ski-do?

Snake: Not with you.

(_The other six dump live-ins swarm in_)

GrayFox: Take us with you!

ClawShrimp: We're just poor misunderstood souls...

Rose: We're captives here.

Liquid: Tadius just hates the smell and the random yucky things that get stuck in Tadius' hair. Tadius also hates how the garbage talks to him! It cries 'help me, Tadius, help me!'

Snake: Okay then... Everyone, let's go! Even you, Jack. (_sigh_)

Jack: Hooray! You're not leaving me again!

(_The group makes their way to the exit when who should show up to stop them, but none other than..._)

Ocelot: You're not going anywhere.

Jack: (_gasp!!_)

Ocelot: That's right! You're my prisoners now!

Otacon: I guess our first clue should've been that the name of the dump is 'Shalashaka's Hellhole'.

Ocelot: There's only one way I'll let you go... alive, that is!

Snake: Name it!

Ocelot: A game of poker.

Jack: (_gasp!!_)

Snake: No, not poker! I have the world's worst poker face! You can play against Jack, all he does is grin suggestively at you.

Jack: (_Grins suggestively_)

Ocelot: NO! I have a better idea. I have hidden the Colonel somewhere in the dump just in case the situation arose.

Jack: I would've taken the precautions.

Ocelot: You must find him before he dies of the odor.

Meryl: How did you get my uncle to come here?

Ocelot: I make a mean chicken pot pie. ...and he knows it.

__

To be continued... 

So, how was that? Exciting enough for you? :D Now, for the endings... this is somewhat of a tribute to Clue. : We have over 10 endings for you to choose from, including two special guest endings! Each ending'll be posted as a chapter so we can have time write each one. -o-;; If it's stupid, tell us. We'll agree with you. :P If you think it's funny... we love you! Marry us!! XD ...unless you're Jack. If you hate it... please don't be mean. ;_; We're sensitive and you'll make us cry. ;_____; And all flames will quickly be used to roast Jack alive.


	2. Ending #1

Disclaimers: Still don't own Metal Gear Solid. Tear. ;_; ...that's all we have to worry about this time.

Author's notes: Here it is: the very first ending! ...of several. -_-;; What else is there to put? ...enjoy... please... .-. Keep reviewing! ^^ Rated PG-13 for... suggestive themes. o_x;;

Mrr, we were having problems with the formatting and blah de blah blah. So after a very frustrating bout here's the final version--yeah! :D

Viva La Jackie!

Ocelot: Now you must divide yourselves into three groups of three. You have exactly twenty minutes. Starting... now!

Meryl: (_Pulls out straws from... well... nowhere_) We'll draw straws!

Liquid: Tadius would like to know where the straws came from.

Meryl: Women have more hiding places than men.

Snake: (_Blushes_)

Jack: (_Enraged_) Uncie Snake, I thought we had something!

Solidus: I thought **we** had something!

Otacon: Can we draw straws now? ...please?

(_They all draws straws and go into groups according to the colors_)

Otacon: What color did you get, Snake?

Snake: I got a green straw.

Jack and Solidus: So did I!

Snake: ...oh god...

Otacon: I have blue.

Meryl: Same here.

Rose: Clawshrimp, honey, you have blue, too! (_Because we all know Clawshrimp are colorblind_)

GrayFox: I guess that leaves me with them...

(_Rose and Liquid wave_)

Jack: Snake, Papa Solidus and I have decided to call our team... the rainbow team!

Snake: ...

Meryl: Then we can be the yellow team!

Otacon: I like yellow. It makes me happy. Happy like a lost balloon.

Clawshrimp: Yellow? 

GrayFox: Then we'll be the black team.

Liquid: No, black is not acceptable to Tadius.

Rose: What about pink?

GrayFox and Liquid: No.

Liquid: Tadius thinks white is good enough.

GrayFox: ...fine. I give up.

(_The teams split up and begin to look for the Colonel_)

-The Rainbow Team-

Jack: Well, Papa Solidus, now what do we do?

Solidus: Now we form a plan, Jackie my boy.

Snake: (_Edges away_) Why couldn't I be with the yellow team or even the white team? No, I have to get stuck with the incesting perverts...

Solidus: That's it! Everyone knows the Colonel is a desperate pervert! Good job, Snake! If you come a little closer I'll give you a little reward...

Snake: No thanks.

Solidus: Your loss. Fine then, let's lure him out with some lovin', Jackie!

Jack: I knew I couldn't be the only normal one around here.

(_The two then engage in an act that's most likely illegal...)_

Snake: (_Runs off to join the yellow team. Little does he know that the Colonel in question has already begun to make his way towards Jack and Solidus_)

-The Yellow Team-

Snake: I never thought I'd say this... but... save me!

Otcaon: From what?

Snake: ...the horror... (_He points to Jack and Solidus... who aren't concealed behind a garbage pile_)

Otacon: (_Looks_) Oh my god! My eyes, they burn! And all that wasted time... it was all for nothing! (_He hugs Barbie and Ken_) 

ClawShrimp: Don't be sad, little Otacon. Even I think it's nasty and I'm colorblind.

Otacon: Thanks, I think...

Meryl: We need a plan to lure him out. My uncle, that is!

Snake: Who made **you** the leader? **I **should be the obvious leader around here. I mean, c'mon, I got the dominant genes, I don't recall there being a Solid Meryl.

Otacon: Who even let you in our team?

Meryl: Well maybe I don't wanna be a Solid... maybe I wanna be a Liquid Meryl! Maybe I think recessive is sexy!

Snake: Meryl, I thought I was sexy...

Otacon: Ha... Snake, sexy? That's a good one! I've seen you in your sneaking suit, and believe me, that's **not** sexy.

Snake: ...you're just jealous.

Otacon: No, Snake, I do believe **you're** jealous.

Meryl: Did you ever wonder why I live in a dump with Liquid and Solidus? And not... Solid?

Snake: ....but... I... you...

-The White Team-

Liquid: Tadius thinks we should have a fashion show to lure this... Colonel out. Because since Tadius enjoys fashion, everyone should. And they will.

GrayFox: Why do you keep calling yourself Tadius!?

Liquid: (_Very matter of factly_) Because Tadius is Tadius' name.

Rose: Well, I think Tadius is a lovely name.

Liquid: Tadius wishes he could say the same about Rose.

GrayFox: Can we just... dig now?

Liquid: Tadiys doesn't think digging is--

GrayFox: That's **it**! I can't take it any more! RAAAGHRAARGH! (_Does his classic trademark GrayFox freak out mode and blazes outta there_)

-The Rainbow Team-

(_We're not that cruel_)

-The Yellow Team-

Snake: (_ All dramatic like_) Fooooox!

ClawShrimp: There he goes! (_Points at retreating GrayFox_)

Snake: He was my only true friend. (_Very uncharacteristic tear_)

Meryl: Oh, Snake, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it when I said I'd rather be a liquid. it was... team pride.

Otacon: Damn teamn pride! I'm sorry, Snake, if it makes you feel any better... you're... kinda sexy in your sneaking suit... Can you ever forgive me?

Snake: _Score one for the Snake_. I don't know... I mean that hurt. That cut me real deep...

Meryl: If you forgive me I'll make you a pie?

Otacon: If you forgive me I'll invite Mango over!

Snake: Mango?

Meryl: A mango pie! I get it!

Snake and Otacon: ... _(cough cough_) ...No. No you don't.

ClawShrimp: There's the Colonel! He's just went behind that indistinguishable pile of goo!

(_The White and Yellow team converge and follow the Colonel behind the pile_)

Meryl: This goo is awfully familiar...

Liquid: That's an easy one. It's Nair. Even Tadius knows that.

Snake, Otacon, Rose, Meryl: ...

ClawShrimp: Nair? Can you eat it?

(_They all look at the remaining members of the Rainbow team. A good look_)

Jack: (_gasp!!_) It's not what it looks like! ...well, maybe it is.

Otacon: ...my eyes.

Liquid: Tadius is thoroughly nauseated.

Colonel: That was quite a show, boys!

Solidus: Glad you enjoyed it.

Snake: Now put your clothes on.

Rose: How come it never stood up like that for me, Jack?

Everyone else: ...

Jack: ...um... well... you didn't have that special Papa Solidus essence?

(_At this point they get dressed_)

Jack: Has anyone seen my Jack Prucells?

Snake: Oh, for the love of god, you're **wearing** them.

Ocelot: (_Appears_) Congratulations. You found the Colonel within the time limit. ...now please leave my dump. Now. ...faster than that.

Otacon: How're we all gonna get home?

Jack: We can all ride home in Uncie Snake's car. It'll hold all of us.

Meryl: Shouldn't you ask Snake?

Jack: Nah, it's fiiine. He don't care.

Snake: (_grumble grumble_)

Jack: Fine then, we won't use your car. Now we have no way to get out.

Otacon: Is that a wild herd of... pandas?

Snake: Why, I do believe it is!

Rose: I love pandas!

Liquid: Panda fur is considered highly fashionable. It will do.

(_They make their way to the pandas, only to discover there's only five!_)

Jack: Well, there only seems to be five. Hey, Snake, you wanna ride with me?

Snake: (_Quickly_) I'm riding with Meryl.

Otacon: ...but Snake... you always go with Meryl... I don't wanna ride by myself.

Jack: I'll ride with you, Otacon.

Otacon: Actually I'm perfectly fine with riding by myself.

Solidus: But Jack, I wanted to ride with you. It'll be a father-son thing.

Jack: Okay, Papa Solidus!

Colonel: Hey, room for three on that panda?

Solidus: Sure is.

(_The Colonel attempts to hop on the panda's back, only to slide off_)

Colonel: Hey, Otacon, is there room on your panda?

Otacon: Actually, me and Liquid, I mean... Tadius, are riding together!

Liquid: We're both small, there's room.

Otacon: Nope, all this fat, taking up all the room, I'm dying of morbid obecity. In fact, so are you.

Liquid: ...?

(_Otacon and Liquid ride off. ...quickly_)

Colonel: Well, can I ride with you two?

Snake: Hey look, an empty panda!

(_Snake and Meryl ride away_. _Followed by Rose and ClawShrimp_)

Colonel: Well, at least Solidus and Jack waited for me!

(_He grabs his panda and... rides away_)

The End

Well, that was ending number 1. Hope it was enjoyed. ^_^ ...we still have another 14 endings that need to get written. .-. Reviews spur our writing... wanting to write? ...that made no sense. -_- Big thanks to: Metallica Babe, Meirelle, armcommander, and The Gentlemen for reviewing. ^__^ Everyone else you should uh... take... them... and use them as examples. -_-

And now a preview for an upcoming story!

The Colonel: I'm Henry the 8th I am 

Henry the 8th I am, I am

I was married to the widow next door

she's been married seven times before

and everyone was a Henry (_Henry!_)

she wouldn't have a Willie or a Sam (_no Sam_!) 

I'm her 8th old man, I'm Henry

Henry the 8th I am!


End file.
